There is an issue I have been grappling with for months now. It has weighed on my mind day and night--and on any given minute in any given day, I will probably have a different answer to this ever present and impossible question.
I still remember the moment I decided that teaching might just be the best career path for me. I graduated from college with a history degree. Everyone asked me, "What are you going to do now? Teach?" My answer, every single time, was, "No f-ing (with the actual expletive used) way." I wanted to go into advertising--but ended up in public relations at a small firm in New York City (as I was told they were similar...they're like opposite ends of the same spectrum). I hated every minute of it. It was while I was there that I thought that I would want to teach...but I was only considering it because I missed having summers off. I decided that wasn't a good enough reason. So, I got another job. This time in executive recruiting. Hated it, too. In the beginning of September 2001, a few weeks prior to 9/11, I decided it was time for me to go back to grad school for teaching. I figured that even if I hated teaching, I would have an advanced degree and could find something I loved. 9/11 happened. I lost my job. It was perfect timing...I went to Columbia University Teachers College and got my masters in Social Studies Education. While there I learned that I not only loved teaching, I am pretty darn good at it (if I do say so myself...and I do!). I found what I loved...and the summers off were a bonus.
Fast forward 11 years...I am still teaching. For the past 9 years, I've been teaching 10th and 11th grade American History at a suburban New Jersey high school. For 11 years, I have loved going to work. I would look forward to the exciting information I would be teaching about each day. I bonded with my students, and I still keep in touch with a great many of them.
Then...something changed. I had my twins, and went back to school after maternity leave for just one month at the end of last school year. The morale in my building was different--the staff had been training all year for a new observation model--one that seemed very difficult to understand and even more difficult in which to find success. As well, as a result of Superstorm Sandy, my school was closed for two full weeks, meaning that we lost many, many vacation days. The staff had gone for several months with no break--leaving the students restless and the teachers exhausted. By the time I came back, everyone was burnt out and longing for summer vacation. Since I had missed most of the drama, I was happy to be back and I enjoyed my last month. I felt, "Ok! I can do this. I can be a working mom!" Did I miss my kids during the day? Yup. But, my job left me so busy that I didn't have time to think about missing them.
Cue September...
I came back to work this year realizing that it was going to be more difficult. First, my kids were older and they knew when mommy wasn't home. After a summer home with them, having fun and enjoying every minute with them, it killed me to leave them on that first day of September. Second, it wasn't just one month that I was back at work...it was ten straight months of being a working mom. Ten straight months of missing my babies, and wondering what milestones I'd be missing. Third, the new observation system, which I knew very little about, was being implemented, and I felt way behind the eight ball. But, I never saw myself as being cut out to be a stay at home mom. I felt like I would miss the adult interaction, I would feel like I was wasting my education and I would feel like I was trapped in the house with two very demanding little bosses with little "me" time. So, despite my reservations, I went back. I mustered up enthusiasm for the new school year and I jumped in, ready to hit the ground running.
It's now January and this school year has been, by far, the most difficult, most exhausting, most stressful, most demoralizing school year I've ever experienced. It's not even about being away from my kids. Yes, I miss them. Yes, every Monday I wish it were a snow day for just one more day home with them. But, it's way more than that. It's about the atmosphere in my industry. Teachers are under fire. We are the enemy--ask any politician, they'll tell you we are the reason our schools "don't measure up," or why our students are "falling behind." As a result, teachers are now subject to so many new rules, regulations and requirements that teaching has become our lowest priority--and the thing we have the least amount of time for. We keep being told that our new observation system is not a "gotcha," but, ask any one of us...it sure as hell feels like it is. Therefore, we are all always walking on eggshells--if we sit down at our desks for too long (or at all, ever), if we aren't constantly circling the classroom, if we aren't constantly monitoring for understanding, if we are missing "teachable moments", we are found to be "beginning" teachers and ineffective--even if our tried and true methods have consistently produced excellent results. The stress level in my profession has become so high that anyone you talk to will tell you that even though it's only January, we're done.
I used to go into school every day looking forward to teaching. This year, I feel like I am drowning in work. I feel like I haven't been able to really connect with my classes--which is something I've always been very good at--because, quite frankly, I don't have time. I miss that aspect of my career. I feel like I am going at 100mph every minute of every day. And that's just my paid job.
I come home and start my second job. From the minute I walk in the door, my little mama's boy cries if I walk out of the room, or even out of arm's reach of him. But, that's ok. Because each day, I only get a few short hours to play with my kids. Unfortunately, that coincides with their cranky hours. If I happen to have a meeting after school, I get one hour with my kids. One. I fear that I am missing their babyhood...their toddlerhood...their childhood. Am I leaving them in someone else's hands to raise them? Am I doing my kids a disservice by being a working mom or am I setting a good example by showing my kids a good work ethic? I just don't know.
My mom was a stay at home mom and I appreciate that she was there for every second of my childhood. I want to be a mom that is there for my kids. Can I do that and still keep my profession?
Every minute of every day, this is my dilemma. Do I resign from my position, leave my profession and become a stay at home mom, or do I stick it out for these few stressful years and continue on my path?
Honestly, I hadn't even considered it until a few family members decided to give me their 2 cents about my life and said that they all thought I should give up my job and be a stay at home mom. I simply told them, "I can't." and "Enough." I thought they were crazy...but since that point, I haven't stopped thinking about it. And, I still haven't come to a resolution.
The reality is that I fear that once my kids are in school themselves, I'll be bored. I'll be lonely. And, most of all, I'll be sorry that I didn't keep my job. Because, let's face it, Social Studies teachers are a dime a dozen. A lot of districts may not hire the more experienced teacher because we come with a higher salary requirement and are set in our ways. I have already learned that office work is not for me, and, honestly, there is no other profession that I would want to do. Just thinking about starting on a new career path stresses me out to no end. So, if I resign, that might be it for me in terms of working.
I also fear that I'll give up my job and I'll hate being a stay at home mom. Am I cut out to play peek-a-boo, watch Sesame Street, do art projects, make meals, change diapers, give naps, and schedule my showers, bathroom breaks and any "down time" or "me time" around my ever changing kids' schedules? Honestly, I am not so sure that I am.
Also, education is cyclical. This too shall pass...this new observation system, the new methods of "monitoring" and of "tracking progress" will go the way of the cassette tape and VHS, and at some point, likely in the not too distant future, teaching will be fun again. I just hope that I'm not too burnt out by that time to enjoy it.
But, these years when they're small...they go so fast. Am I sacrificing them for something that I don't know I want anymore? I certainly know that I'm not enjoying it right now.
Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally...just plain exhausted.
And so, this is my dilemma. To stay at home or not to stay at home?
What is the answer?
Questions? Comments? Ideas? Email us at theaccessorizedlife@gmail.com
I still remember the moment I decided that teaching might just be the best career path for me. I graduated from college with a history degree. Everyone asked me, "What are you going to do now? Teach?" My answer, every single time, was, "No f-ing (with the actual expletive used) way." I wanted to go into advertising--but ended up in public relations at a small firm in New York City (as I was told they were similar...they're like opposite ends of the same spectrum). I hated every minute of it. It was while I was there that I thought that I would want to teach...but I was only considering it because I missed having summers off. I decided that wasn't a good enough reason. So, I got another job. This time in executive recruiting. Hated it, too. In the beginning of September 2001, a few weeks prior to 9/11, I decided it was time for me to go back to grad school for teaching. I figured that even if I hated teaching, I would have an advanced degree and could find something I loved. 9/11 happened. I lost my job. It was perfect timing...I went to Columbia University Teachers College and got my masters in Social Studies Education. While there I learned that I not only loved teaching, I am pretty darn good at it (if I do say so myself...and I do!). I found what I loved...and the summers off were a bonus.
Fast forward 11 years...I am still teaching. For the past 9 years, I've been teaching 10th and 11th grade American History at a suburban New Jersey high school. For 11 years, I have loved going to work. I would look forward to the exciting information I would be teaching about each day. I bonded with my students, and I still keep in touch with a great many of them.
Then...something changed. I had my twins, and went back to school after maternity leave for just one month at the end of last school year. The morale in my building was different--the staff had been training all year for a new observation model--one that seemed very difficult to understand and even more difficult in which to find success. As well, as a result of Superstorm Sandy, my school was closed for two full weeks, meaning that we lost many, many vacation days. The staff had gone for several months with no break--leaving the students restless and the teachers exhausted. By the time I came back, everyone was burnt out and longing for summer vacation. Since I had missed most of the drama, I was happy to be back and I enjoyed my last month. I felt, "Ok! I can do this. I can be a working mom!" Did I miss my kids during the day? Yup. But, my job left me so busy that I didn't have time to think about missing them.
Cue September...
I came back to work this year realizing that it was going to be more difficult. First, my kids were older and they knew when mommy wasn't home. After a summer home with them, having fun and enjoying every minute with them, it killed me to leave them on that first day of September. Second, it wasn't just one month that I was back at work...it was ten straight months of being a working mom. Ten straight months of missing my babies, and wondering what milestones I'd be missing. Third, the new observation system, which I knew very little about, was being implemented, and I felt way behind the eight ball. But, I never saw myself as being cut out to be a stay at home mom. I felt like I would miss the adult interaction, I would feel like I was wasting my education and I would feel like I was trapped in the house with two very demanding little bosses with little "me" time. So, despite my reservations, I went back. I mustered up enthusiasm for the new school year and I jumped in, ready to hit the ground running.
It's now January and this school year has been, by far, the most difficult, most exhausting, most stressful, most demoralizing school year I've ever experienced. It's not even about being away from my kids. Yes, I miss them. Yes, every Monday I wish it were a snow day for just one more day home with them. But, it's way more than that. It's about the atmosphere in my industry. Teachers are under fire. We are the enemy--ask any politician, they'll tell you we are the reason our schools "don't measure up," or why our students are "falling behind." As a result, teachers are now subject to so many new rules, regulations and requirements that teaching has become our lowest priority--and the thing we have the least amount of time for. We keep being told that our new observation system is not a "gotcha," but, ask any one of us...it sure as hell feels like it is. Therefore, we are all always walking on eggshells--if we sit down at our desks for too long (or at all, ever), if we aren't constantly circling the classroom, if we aren't constantly monitoring for understanding, if we are missing "teachable moments", we are found to be "beginning" teachers and ineffective--even if our tried and true methods have consistently produced excellent results. The stress level in my profession has become so high that anyone you talk to will tell you that even though it's only January, we're done.
I used to go into school every day looking forward to teaching. This year, I feel like I am drowning in work. I feel like I haven't been able to really connect with my classes--which is something I've always been very good at--because, quite frankly, I don't have time. I miss that aspect of my career. I feel like I am going at 100mph every minute of every day. And that's just my paid job.
I come home and start my second job. From the minute I walk in the door, my little mama's boy cries if I walk out of the room, or even out of arm's reach of him. But, that's ok. Because each day, I only get a few short hours to play with my kids. Unfortunately, that coincides with their cranky hours. If I happen to have a meeting after school, I get one hour with my kids. One. I fear that I am missing their babyhood...their toddlerhood...their childhood. Am I leaving them in someone else's hands to raise them? Am I doing my kids a disservice by being a working mom or am I setting a good example by showing my kids a good work ethic? I just don't know.
My mom was a stay at home mom and I appreciate that she was there for every second of my childhood. I want to be a mom that is there for my kids. Can I do that and still keep my profession?
Every minute of every day, this is my dilemma. Do I resign from my position, leave my profession and become a stay at home mom, or do I stick it out for these few stressful years and continue on my path?
Honestly, I hadn't even considered it until a few family members decided to give me their 2 cents about my life and said that they all thought I should give up my job and be a stay at home mom. I simply told them, "I can't." and "Enough." I thought they were crazy...but since that point, I haven't stopped thinking about it. And, I still haven't come to a resolution.
The reality is that I fear that once my kids are in school themselves, I'll be bored. I'll be lonely. And, most of all, I'll be sorry that I didn't keep my job. Because, let's face it, Social Studies teachers are a dime a dozen. A lot of districts may not hire the more experienced teacher because we come with a higher salary requirement and are set in our ways. I have already learned that office work is not for me, and, honestly, there is no other profession that I would want to do. Just thinking about starting on a new career path stresses me out to no end. So, if I resign, that might be it for me in terms of working.
I also fear that I'll give up my job and I'll hate being a stay at home mom. Am I cut out to play peek-a-boo, watch Sesame Street, do art projects, make meals, change diapers, give naps, and schedule my showers, bathroom breaks and any "down time" or "me time" around my ever changing kids' schedules? Honestly, I am not so sure that I am.
Also, education is cyclical. This too shall pass...this new observation system, the new methods of "monitoring" and of "tracking progress" will go the way of the cassette tape and VHS, and at some point, likely in the not too distant future, teaching will be fun again. I just hope that I'm not too burnt out by that time to enjoy it.
But, these years when they're small...they go so fast. Am I sacrificing them for something that I don't know I want anymore? I certainly know that I'm not enjoying it right now.
Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally...just plain exhausted.
And so, this is my dilemma. To stay at home or not to stay at home?
What is the answer?
Questions? Comments? Ideas? Email us at theaccessorizedlife@gmail.com
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