I'm going to preface this by saying that I love my kids and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I even really enjoy being a mom, most of the time (come on...we all have our moments, moms!), and I think being a mom has made me a better person. But there is one thing that no one will tell you...being a mom is the loneliest job in the world.
I think that my generation of moms is very different than our parents' generation--first and foremost, in general, we had kids later than our parents. That means that we lived our own lives, and created our own identities that are not wrapped up in our children. So, while our children might be the center of our worlds, they are not our entire worlds. I think that this is one of the reasons that the transition to motherhood is even harder for us--all of a sudden, we go from individuals with full lives--friends, jobs, activities (like the gym, yoga, book clubs, manicures, pedicures, knitting clubs, wine tastings...whatever you're into)--to lives that are very singularly focused--what time do I need to feed my child? Why is he/she crying? Does he/she need a diaper change? Is he/she hitting all of his/her milestones?--the list could go on and on forever. You find that you have very little time to do the things you love anymore. I used to read, on average, a book a week--even during the school year. Now, I'm lucky if I read a book every four months, and can only really read in the summer...if both of my kids take naps at the same time and actually nap for the full amount of time they're supposed to.
I used to have time to actually talk to the people who matter to me, but now, getting together with family or friends means that everyone is focused on the kids. Trying to have an adult conversation is like trying to listen to a radio station that is just out of range...you will only hear snippets of what you're supposed to. I have friends with kids, and we do play dates. In theory, it's great...adult interaction with a side of kids. In reality its kids with a very small side of adult interaction. For the great majority of my friends, I can't remember the last time I had a real conversation with them. Thank goodness for email and text because, otherwise, I'd have no friends left. Most of my phone conversations are done when I'm driving home from work, and most of the time it's only Lauren that I talk to...besides the fact that she's my best friend (which is the main reason I call her almost every day), she's the only other person I know who is willing and available to talk at 3:30 p.m.
My husband travels a lot for work...I'm talking 200+ days a year a lot. That means most days I basically feel like a single mom. I have a great support network--a nanny who loves my kids and who they love, parents who live in the same town and who come over daily to give whatever help they can, a mother in law who also lives in the same town and stops by to help whenever she can, friends who pick up the slack when needed (like Lauren, who is a goddess, who volunteered to watch my kids one day because no one else was able to and so I didn't have to take a multitude of days off of work). But, at the end of the day, all of the responsibility, all of the decision making, all of the day-to-day stuff falls on me. I am trying to juggle a career that I love (and yes, it is my choice to work, but see point number one...parents of my age group had their own lives before having kids, and I am fully aware that I am not stay at home mom material), my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my house, and my needs. At the end of the day, something always loses. Usually, that's me.
It's not like I can have a "girls' night out" or even a date night with my husband--usually he's traveling and so I'm always on mommy duty. I don't feel right asking for someone to watch my kids so I can go out and have a good time--especially if my husband isn't home because during that time the people I would ask to help are already pitching in with bedtime and bath and anything else I need. Even when my husband is home, most days of the week I'm too exhausted to even move, let alone meet a friend for dinner or drinks, or to even have a friend come over after bedtime if he isn't. In fact, most nights I'm so exhausted that I actually end up staying later than I intended because I'm too tired to get off the couch and go upstairs to bed (tonight...case in point). Even if I wasn't exhausted, my job demands almost as much of me as my kids do. At least 5 nights a week, as soon as the kids go to bed, the laptop and textbooks come out, and I am doing work right up until I go to bed. Honestly, I feel who I am slipping away. I don't have the time to do the things I love anymore, and I feel like I barely have any adult interaction, other than during my work day. I see my mother every day, and I truly couldn't tell you the last time we had a conversation about anything other than the kids. It's sad--I fear that my relationship with her is slipping away because we don't have time to keep it up.
And so, even though I'm always busy, and always surrounded by people, I'm really quite alone. Now, don't get me wrong, I relish my quiet time when the kids are napping or after they've gone to bed and I can do the things I enjoy (like read or knit) if I'm not working. But, in reality, I typically use that time to stay on top of all of my responsibilities. I just feel very lonely. I have to imagine that it's not just me, and that a lot of moms feel like they have a very lonely job--a job that leaves them with little time to do the things that made them them before they had children. I just don't think many people talk about it...maybe if we did, we wouldn't feel so lonely.
Questions? Comments? Ideas? Email us at theaccessorizedlife@gmail.com
I think that my generation of moms is very different than our parents' generation--first and foremost, in general, we had kids later than our parents. That means that we lived our own lives, and created our own identities that are not wrapped up in our children. So, while our children might be the center of our worlds, they are not our entire worlds. I think that this is one of the reasons that the transition to motherhood is even harder for us--all of a sudden, we go from individuals with full lives--friends, jobs, activities (like the gym, yoga, book clubs, manicures, pedicures, knitting clubs, wine tastings...whatever you're into)--to lives that are very singularly focused--what time do I need to feed my child? Why is he/she crying? Does he/she need a diaper change? Is he/she hitting all of his/her milestones?--the list could go on and on forever. You find that you have very little time to do the things you love anymore. I used to read, on average, a book a week--even during the school year. Now, I'm lucky if I read a book every four months, and can only really read in the summer...if both of my kids take naps at the same time and actually nap for the full amount of time they're supposed to.
I used to have time to actually talk to the people who matter to me, but now, getting together with family or friends means that everyone is focused on the kids. Trying to have an adult conversation is like trying to listen to a radio station that is just out of range...you will only hear snippets of what you're supposed to. I have friends with kids, and we do play dates. In theory, it's great...adult interaction with a side of kids. In reality its kids with a very small side of adult interaction. For the great majority of my friends, I can't remember the last time I had a real conversation with them. Thank goodness for email and text because, otherwise, I'd have no friends left. Most of my phone conversations are done when I'm driving home from work, and most of the time it's only Lauren that I talk to...besides the fact that she's my best friend (which is the main reason I call her almost every day), she's the only other person I know who is willing and available to talk at 3:30 p.m.
My husband travels a lot for work...I'm talking 200+ days a year a lot. That means most days I basically feel like a single mom. I have a great support network--a nanny who loves my kids and who they love, parents who live in the same town and who come over daily to give whatever help they can, a mother in law who also lives in the same town and stops by to help whenever she can, friends who pick up the slack when needed (like Lauren, who is a goddess, who volunteered to watch my kids one day because no one else was able to and so I didn't have to take a multitude of days off of work). But, at the end of the day, all of the responsibility, all of the decision making, all of the day-to-day stuff falls on me. I am trying to juggle a career that I love (and yes, it is my choice to work, but see point number one...parents of my age group had their own lives before having kids, and I am fully aware that I am not stay at home mom material), my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my house, and my needs. At the end of the day, something always loses. Usually, that's me.
It's not like I can have a "girls' night out" or even a date night with my husband--usually he's traveling and so I'm always on mommy duty. I don't feel right asking for someone to watch my kids so I can go out and have a good time--especially if my husband isn't home because during that time the people I would ask to help are already pitching in with bedtime and bath and anything else I need. Even when my husband is home, most days of the week I'm too exhausted to even move, let alone meet a friend for dinner or drinks, or to even have a friend come over after bedtime if he isn't. In fact, most nights I'm so exhausted that I actually end up staying later than I intended because I'm too tired to get off the couch and go upstairs to bed (tonight...case in point). Even if I wasn't exhausted, my job demands almost as much of me as my kids do. At least 5 nights a week, as soon as the kids go to bed, the laptop and textbooks come out, and I am doing work right up until I go to bed. Honestly, I feel who I am slipping away. I don't have the time to do the things I love anymore, and I feel like I barely have any adult interaction, other than during my work day. I see my mother every day, and I truly couldn't tell you the last time we had a conversation about anything other than the kids. It's sad--I fear that my relationship with her is slipping away because we don't have time to keep it up.
And so, even though I'm always busy, and always surrounded by people, I'm really quite alone. Now, don't get me wrong, I relish my quiet time when the kids are napping or after they've gone to bed and I can do the things I enjoy (like read or knit) if I'm not working. But, in reality, I typically use that time to stay on top of all of my responsibilities. I just feel very lonely. I have to imagine that it's not just me, and that a lot of moms feel like they have a very lonely job--a job that leaves them with little time to do the things that made them them before they had children. I just don't think many people talk about it...maybe if we did, we wouldn't feel so lonely.
Questions? Comments? Ideas? Email us at theaccessorizedlife@gmail.com
Girl!! I'm totally with you! You're an inspiration. So brave of you to speak out on this. I think a lot of moms are worried that it'll sound like they're unappreciative of having children! BTW, any tips on how to juggle work and play?
ReplyDeleteThank you, Fellow Mom! Sorry it took so long to respond...but I didn't even realize I had a post here. I'm still trying to work out that balance myself, but I'm thinking it's all about nap time, a good support system, and time away when needed. Good luck, mama!
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